The Daily Paragraph

The Hilarious Effects Of A Midlife Crisis (And The Bad Ones)

Imagine a women with pink hair, and three-inch acrylic nails. Now imagine a man wearing tank tops, hitting on 20-year olds, driving an old mustang. Now to set the picture right I want to let you know that this women, and this man are each 43-years old, beginning to wrinkle, carrying grey hair, bad vision, and hearing problems.

Those are some of the effects of a midlife crisis. Not necessarily the grey hair, and visions problems, buy hey, anything can happen. A midlife crisis is more than just looks, however. It can also effect speach such as: Using new Slang.

Personally I find it embarrassing for my generation when I see a 17 year old saying stupid things like “Yeet”, and doing a damn stupid “Dance”( which is of course in quotation marks because dancing is not generally swinging your arms back-and-forth). I would figure that a 40-year old would feel the same embarrassment watching a peer do those things, let alone doing them himself.

Truly, watching a man that looks like Clint Eastwood with a purple mohawk walking into a convenient store–with no shame–can be hilarious. Then again during times of midlife crisis’ people turn to drugs (Both legal, and Illegal), and alcohol. That’s the bad part.

This is because there are two roads during a midlife crisis. The Old Road, and the New Road.

  • Old Road. When you try to relieve your youth. You act like a teenager, aka an asshole. While reenacting your youth you may also do things you wished you had done when you actually were younger. You’ll probably buy an old Camaro like you had when you were 17, and try to find–and hookup with–a girl who used to be popular in your school.
  • The New Road. This is when someone tries to act like the kids of today. They listen to the most popular bands, and use the most stupid–yet somehow popular–slang. Like “Yeet”. They also do the stupid dances, watch the boring shows, and pretend like they enjoy every second of it…

Did I mention that each road is laced with more drugs than a bowl of kool-aid at the prom? The “Old Road” is dripping with Acid, while the “New Road” is bumpy from all the crack rocks. Old Road? Hennessy. New Road? Some girly cocktail. Anyways… my point is that during a midlife crisis you may start doing drugs, and drinking alcohol excessively. You could also relapse on drugs, and alchohol abuse.

Drugs are probably the reason that some people going through a midlife crisis act so wierd. Let’s face it: I’m gonna die *Applause*… and your gonna die too *The dick reading this goes silent*. People like me who accept the facts know that death awaits us all, and the cause of midlife crisis’ are often the thoughts of death, and how life went by so fast.

I know what coming, yet I don’t know when its coming. I just have faith in God, and hope I don’t die for a long time–and that when it happens I get accepted into Heaven.

Leaving On A Good Note

Woah, dude! Things got pretty serious there! I know that a huge fraction of you reading this were probably upset from those last couple paragraphs, but don’t worry. With how old people are living nowadays Jesus may just return to earth before you die, you may never have to face death, or maybe you will. Either way with medication as advanced as it is your death will most likely be 100% painless.

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